on being a mother of a kindergartner...

i thought something about writing tonight, even though it is after one in the morning, and i should go to bed. i don't necessarily know what i should write about, but i'm just going to let it go... flow...

biscuit starts kindergarten tomorrow. that is a funny story. last year she also started kindergarten at a prestigious private school. we were awarded a scholarship, bought the uniforms, and were ready to go. she was academically set to start. she was already wanting to write everything that she could and was more than ready to begin a year in school. however, we had just started a new family, moved out of a house with grandma (something she'd known her whole life) into a less inviting home, and so much more! there were just too many transitions at one time. and she was only four, and yet, not the youngest in the class. nonetheless, we decided that then was not the time.

even before last year i have been constantly praying for wisdom and discernment regarding choices to be made for the family, especially for biscuit. i've given thanks for God's power to move in our lives, almost unseen, to bring the right people in, take the wrong out, and transform others still to be followers of Christ, whether with our help or not. i've given thanks for His involvement in preparing places for biscuit... in church, in school, in life, in general. and i have seen His work over and over again. His blessing and favor on her life!

so when it came to decide what we were doing this year, why was i so discouraged? i would love to homeschool. but i know i'd lose my patience with her, and she with me. i know of what she is capable, i don't baby her if she acts up or goofs around. she doesn't like that. i want her to be serious because i know that she can be and because i know what she can do if she is serious... others don't. and yet, others seem to get more out of her by allowing her to be a child, first and foremost.

i also know her need to be social. we don't live in a neighborhood where there are kids. she doesn't see other children unless we're at church or she's at grandma's. and to be quite honest, i'm not a huge fan of any of them. and i know that i'm not going to be a fan of the kids in her class, either. because, while i love children, i really don't like how they are taught to behave (knowing full well, that i don't raise an angel). i just don't want her to not be social and thus wind up disliking and finding so much fault in people, like i do. this is something i want to remedy in myself as well. become less of a hermit (which will only happen if we're not homeschoolers, at least for this year).

so, homeschooling option gone, said presitigious private school back in the running. only this year, we're on the waiting list. still. so, we opted for public school. and that is where we stand. i will drive her to school in the early afternoon and see her begin a new chapter in her life.

i need to trust that God has answered prayers and that He will continue to give me peace surrounding this decision. and while she may be the only child reading in her kindergarten class, there are still plenty of things she'll learn and from which she'll benefit. i need to trust that this is the place that God has prepared, and that the leaders there are ones that He has put in place for a reason (one not necessarily for my daughter, or my will, but His). i need to trust that there is a purpose in all He does, including His use of me, biscuit, and the rest of the family.

i need to trust the peace that God has given me. to not doubt it, question it, or test it. but to know that it may only be for a season, and that it may not. to be confident in who He made her to be, and confident in what He gave to me in order to prepare her. she will do well, she will more than succeed, excel, or thrive! for He is good... all the time!

on the problems associated with naming babies...

when i was pregnant with biscuit i was in denial, read previous post. i thought that being pregnant was a very slight possibility (in fact, i told the doctor that it was a 2% chance... i never was really good with math) but it wasn't anything that i wanted to verify in order to meet, face to face, a consequence of an action... a simple, one time, thirty second action.

at any rate, one morning i awoke in my mom's bed, as i had taken to sleeping with her again. she was at work and the sun made its way into bed with me, warming me and waking me. and as my eyes opened my first thoughts were of what would become my daughter's name... eva siobhan... eva, pronounced ay-vah, which in hebrew means "mother/giver of life", or simply, "life" (as opposed to ava, which in latin means "bird"... big difference, and yet, still uplifting) siobhan, pronounced shih-VON, a celtic word for "god is gracious".

i thought... well, if i am pregnant, and it is to be a girl... that will be her name.

yet, it didn't prompt me to quickly test my hypothesis. no, i waited a bit longer... until i thought that something more serious was wrong with me.

thankfully, i didn't have to discuss the name. i was in it wholeheartedly and wasn't about to share that responsibility with someone who wasn't. however, i made every effort to be inclusive of said someone. i even went to see him. i remember one particular time i had on a maroon shirt, definitely not maternity, lined with pink piping. it was beautiful and flattering, especially on a pregnant belly. i had on a mid-calf-length corduroy khaki skirt, with scalloped edges, and beneath that, pink tights to match the piping on the shirt (what fashion does to memory, or memory to fashion).

i sat on a bench in the vestibule of the place where he works... where i quit months before with the notion that, prior to concluding positive pregnancy, the stress was making me physically ill. (try explaining a disappearance like that to someone who doesn't speak your language. what is left but to assume that it was done on purpose, malicious avoidance?) back on the bench i notice a tattoo on the outside of one of his arms. black letters. i wouldn't have ever noticed it before, we didn't know each other that well. i asked what it was. his response, in broken english: his mother's initials, m for maria, e for eva (at which point, light shot from my finger tips, i could feel it), and r for her newly married last name, not the same as his.

i knew then that my baby, that biscuit, was my baby girl. and that she had already been given a name, not by me, that would represent who she was, is, and will be. it would include where she came from and what joy there is in why she was made. for she was the giver of life for me. she opened doors, and still does, to the ways in which God is ever so gracious, ever so merciful, loving, kind, and giving.

so, when she was born, there were no questions, that was just who she was. praise god.

and now, with this little one... i've had nothing similar in visionary naming. no dreams, no voices, no light... no glimpse as to the gender. nothing stands out... and, to top it off, i have to actually concur with someone this time. it isn't my way or nothing at all. and, truth be told, it should be the mister's way, regardless of whether or not i agree. however, i take into account meanings, and connotations, and then there is nothing left to see eye to eye on, except that we'll know when we know... even if it means that the baby will be five days old.

on it being time there was a new post

the other day a woman with whom i used to work stopped into my current place of employment. she commented on how she heard i was married to a boy with whom she went to high school, which is true. and she went on and on about how perfect we are for each other, and how wonderful we are, etc. she isn't the only one who has said that to me in recent months.

i worked with a lot of girls that went to school with the mister. as it turns out, the mister and i have no recollection of having met each other, nor do we have any understanding of how closely our paths may or may not have crossed in the last quarter of a century. but we know that when they did just a few short years ago, the timing was right according to him, to me, and to God.

however, sometimes i wonder, what makes those girls say that we're perfect for one another?

when they knew me, i didn't know Christ. i didn't even really know myself as a result. i was lost and in search of so much more than i ever knew possible. i searched for it in drugs, sex, lies, music, false friendships, etc.
what about that could make them think i was perfect for anyone? especially my husband, who, as far as i know, was into sports (something i could care less about then, and only do now because i love him), cars (biscuit knows more about them than i do... even at 18 stories), church and God (remember, i was lost... i believed in God, in fact, talked to Him regularly... mainly about my misunderstanding of Jesus, oddly enough), the military (firm stances against this one), oh... and a very serious girlfriend (something that likely would not have stopped me at the time for i was so utterly lost).

at what point did i shift?

it was when i became pregnant. i was very intuitive at the time, meditating often... listening to a higher power, inevitably God, but i didn't quite grasp that then. so much was spoken to me about life and being a steward and what it was going to take to do both of them right. obviously, it wasn't something that i wanted to hear, but it was something that ate away at me until it planted itself. thank you for your prayers in these areas because they ultimately changed my life.

it wasn't until after i had biscuit that i began going back to church... first here, then there, then finally where i go now, where we go... as a family. it was like being around people who still believed that God is alive, moving, doing work... as if... get this, He never died!! it was here that i encountered Christ... actually stood in the presence of His Holy Spirit and was forever changed. it was here that i fell to my knees in tears, knowing that i would never be the same.

so... my locks went (symbolism of so much), marijuana went (with much reluctance) literally out the window at times until finally it was gone for good. sex was easier to get rid of because of my stance on not bringing anyone around biscuit. dating soon followed because i knew that i didn't want to waste my time in a relationship that wasn't being built to last--eternally. friends were gone, too... because, without sounding pious, i knew that i couldn't be unequally yoked as i rebuilt my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically around Christ.

there was a lot of prayer in accepting God's will in determining who would stay and who would go. not to mention who would appear out of nowhere and stick around through it all.

so, while i think that we are perfect for one another now, the mister and i... i wonder if our "true love" would have been evident six or seven years ago. or if i would have been too "intuitive" to catch on... or if either of us would have been too involved to notice. or if, perhaps, i just needed more time to grow up, learn, and develop in life, in general, but more importantly, in Christ, to be the woman from Proverbs 31 that the mister and i read about together after work one night. i was so embarrassed because i knew then what i didn't want to hear from God... that this was Him speaking directly to me in regards to my future. that there i was to be that woman of God for my family, including that man in front of me.

had you told me that when those girls knew me years ago, i would have never agreed. i would have never listened. i would have never married this man that i love without end today. and i most certainly would have not blamed him for not having chosen me then, either. but i thank God for the ways our lives went those many years ago, for the fact that we didn't meet then, for the things that happened in the meantime that made us ready for now.

flood

so many thoughts, emotions. don't chalk it up to pregnancy. i don't use that as an excuse, that is not why it is here. ask anyone around me, i'm like this normally. so, this is no different.

my mind wanders tonight. it wonders, too, but is mostly wandering. i got off work the exact time that i was scheduled to clock out, it was glorious... i chose to go home in order to write. also glorious. and when i got home... i had nothing to write.

so... i begin anyway.

i'm really trying hard to be positive again. i have found that the key to doing so is simply replacement. i replace my negative thoughts with affirmations, scripture, etc. it helps to keep me focused. i never ever used to be this way, but things get you going, you know? they really do.

and then... it is out of control the way your mind goes.

so, to catch you up on the way things go (speaking of going, right?)... biscuit had her first baseball game. her coach, the mister, couldn't have been more excited to sport the orange shirts and ball caps (his favorite color). and speaking of cap (and other three letter consonant, vowel, consonant words) biscuit is also reading now... quite fascinating. she discovered this ability on thursday. i witnessed her "aha" moment along with my mom and another woman with whom we play games at the library.

i spray painted the back of my car where it was damaged when it rolled down our driveway, against the house, and rested upon a tree (think Big Fish, but not that high). the mister complimented me on this endeavor. this was huge because... well, he technically (no pun intended) has a degree in such a thing... and i splurged for the $2.97 spray paint can!

i'm really missing cameras. mine especially. i'm not a fan, in the least, of my husbands. so pictures are rarely, if ever, updated. this makes me a little sad as i sort of became a bit of a photo-documentor-slash-journalist-if-you-will for a while...

i realize that this isn't the most creative or eloquent of posts... but... at least i'm writing something (when i should be sleeping).

this weekend we head back to what is home for me, birthplace, at least. but it is where the extended family resides. we have so many things planned, mainly people to see, but i'm more excited about it than i have been about anything of late... there will be a family photo of the five great grandbabies (as of now), indulging at the spaghetti factory with my favorite little men and their wonderful momma, a trip to the country's best children's museum (although we are no experts), a visit with biscuit's great-great-great aunt (my great-grandma's sister), an 80th birthday party for grandpa, an appearance at the homes of both of my grandma's, as well as, perhaps... homage to my late and great grandpa for his birthday (mom and i went to bob evan's today to have a "half order of biscuits and gravy" just like he always got... only, i had to get the gravy without sausage and i don't think that they offered a half order), not to mention a rather important parade and race!

i'd promise pictures but we know that won't happen (unless you really really want to see pictures, in which case you'll surprise me with a device to produce such anomalies!).

good night

on staying up way past my bed time

i don't really like to be in our house by myself, especially with the advance of the serpent kingdom. we haven't seen another one in the house, which isn't to say that they don't exist. i'm just incredibly thankful they're only garter snakes (even though i still can't even stand them).

at any rate, the mister sure has quite the friends! one friend from the military woke up yesterday morning and began his drive from New York City at 6:30am to Maryland to pick up second friend from military. Along the way they had to leave their car and rent a different one for fear of the original breaking down, not to mention a speeding ticket as well! They arrived at our house well past eleven o'clock. it could have been midnight but i was asleep... until they began talking. they weren't loud, in fact, they were being very respectful of biscuit and i sleeping soundly. nonetheless, i laid in bed thinking about how they would journey back home in a little over 24 hours.

they aren't the first friends to have done that for my husband. another friend flew from alaska, rented a car in chicago and drove in for, again, a little over 24 hours.

he is a special man, to this i can attest. but let it be proven by these other men's actions towards him. there is more to this gentleman that i married. he is so much more. and every day that we spend together, even when things get busy and hectic with work and school and child (soon to be children), i know this more deeply. he is more than a gift, a blessing... he is hand-picked by God for me, for our family, for these friends of his, for strangers.

as i lay in bed last night thinking all of these things, i also pondered my friends. those friends that i can never get a hold of, those friends that attempt to call me, too, to no avail. i think of us and if we lived far from one another... would we make a long trek for such a short time? we don't even do it now but it is funny what distance does to the heart, right?

let this not lead you into thinking that i don't have the most splendid of friends. i do. they were also hand-picked by God. we're just different than these gentlemen that i only met today. but whose stories i've heard over and over. they are part of what makes my husband so wonderful, so perfect for me and for them.

praise God for the people in your life that can shape you and chage you and transform you--God through them, whether they know it or not. praise God for making you that person for so many others--whether you know it or now. allow yourself to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit. go as you preach, not preach as you go. fill yourself to overflowing, pour it out into others. embrace God's work in your life--whether you know it or not.

more indeed

i believe that my daughter is quite possibly the most wonderful thing to exist. i realize that every mother thinks that of their own daughter. but i also realize that few mothers have actual factual evidence by which their claim can be supported. i, however, do.

this daughter of mine has taught me lessons in so many areas of my life. first, her persistence, which to the outsider may offend, is what drives her and propels her to a new level of doing things and of thinking. if there is something that she doesn't know, or something that she can't do she will work at it until it is finished and she excels! eg. whistling, snapping her fingers, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, reading, writing, spelling, counting, simple mathematics, the names of dinosaurs, sign language, writing scripture on her heart... and so so many more! she is fantastic.

also, she has taught me an entirely new approach to the age-old dilemma surrounding nature vs. nurture. here, biscuit is entirely gifted in so many areas, but had it not been for the mister, i would have never thought to approach so many areas. eg. our daughter is highly skilled at baseball. this is a sport that wouldn't have entered my thought process in any way shape or form. it was the mister's idea to give it a shot... and voila... we now have the "queen of diamonds", with her own diamond mowed into our front lawn (why i love them like i do!)!

...a talent that would have likely gone undiscovered had it not been for the mister's urging. a talent she must have had from nature (God-gifted) that if not nurtured would not have thrived.

what else lies ahead for her? for the new baby? for the mister and me?

there seems to be so much more to say. i just want to keep on writing. my body is tired from working today but my mind continues running its marathon. the mister sleeps on the couch awaiting my entrance into our bedroom, an act he will most willing follow. and yet... my fingers tip tap tap away. i wonder to what that translates in his dreams? you know... when the phone ringing in your dream is really your alarm clock?

do we have things like that in life? when there are elements to the daily routine that we mistake or misinterpret? i'm sure. i would like to be more open to the "real" things... more sensitive to what is genuine, all the while recognizing that it is not always tangible.

embrace that with me, will you?

on nothing more than this

when i first started working at starbucks i collected my favorite sounds. i would go around the place testing material against material in hopes of another glorious resonance. of my favorites were the chargers sliding into place in preparation for whipping; after pouring a cup of coffee, and letting go of the spout... that cling; the pressure of steam coming out of the wand. if there are many more, i don't remember them. there is a cloud of cynicism and boredom that sit over that part of my memory. i've challenged myself, however, to search for those notes and tones again. those little things that made life so much more interesting having heard them.

i've challenged myself to look more at people and things as i should. as Christ did. does. pray for them prior to passing judgement. what knowledge of good and evil do i think that i posess over anyone else? we all ate from that tree. few of us are free.

i was able to dance the early morning stars into their places on sunday morning. what a wonderful feeling that escapes me so often because of time and exhaustion from the day to day. dancing, i invite you back in. Holy Spirit, i welcome you to move in me to move me... in any way.

... wait, there's more!

New day

i feel much better than i did the other day. however, still feeling slightly slighted, if you'll excuse the redundancy.

church was amazing on sunday. i haven't cried in the presence of the Holy Spirit in a while--it was well worth the wait. Seeing God move among so many people is amazing and... well, moving. We have already been blessed in so many ways but one stands out in particular as pure consequence of obedience. wondrous.

biscuit and i get to hang out with a baby from our homebirth group while mamasan bakes. it is going to be so much fun. we can't wait! well, biscuit doesn't know because that would result in "how many days until..." "how long until...".

we are still in desperate search for old bookshelves... books strewn everywhere in our house. what a mess. but what a happy one, eh?

blessing to all for such a great and beautiful day.

blank slate

so thrilling and so stupefying.

i have millions of emotions flowing through me at this moment. i'm sad, and angry, energized, and exhausted. is it from this that the creative juices flow? i hope. i miss that part of me.

i miss my little brother, too. and my best friend. it seems that once you get married you join a new club, where your friends are other wives and mothers, only... your stories are so dissimilar that a true friendship never really blossoms. oh, there are one or two that prove to be there whatever the weather. but even they need encouragement... unfortunately, at times when you're barely pulling yourself up by your boot straps, for God-knows-whatever-reason.

and in this new club, you're not offered advice on what to stock your pantries with and what to cook for dinner. you're not invited to dinner. and the saddest thing of all: you're not invited to parties anymore either. married people with children don't make out... they certainly don't party.

and so you find yourself missing your old friends. the ones that stayed up late with you stuffing cole slaw and crackers in your mouth while singing with louis at the anchor. you wonder, what happened to her, where is she now. the ones who helped you move in a night, in the dark, and in absolute silence, or was it more like running away? or stealing? the ones who wrote, talked, played, collaborated, and read with you.

does not work well with others.

there are so many stories to tell, so many talents in so many outlets. why the block? praying for encouragement, fresh ideas, peace of mind, forgiveness (of others), selflessness, simplicity, unquestionnable faith to move forward without stopping, without looking back.

this isn't about that summer in the rear view mirror anymore, you ripped the mirror off. it is about going slowly. you'll never repeat this moment again. it is about letting go and not giving in. it is most importantly, not about me.