on love...

about this time two years ago i was really fretting over moving out of my mother's house and into a house of my own. with a husband of my own. where i would have to cook. and clean. and be a wife. and a mother. without her mother so close. man, was i scared. there were times at work when i would just about break down and cry. in fact, there were tears. in fact, during our premarital counseling there were moments when i was finding myself reevaluating everything. so afraid that this permanent decision i was about to undertake was one big fat mistake.

i assure you, i was wrong.

i'm not saying that i was wrong to be scared. or to question my decision. no. i'm just saying that i was wrong in thinking, even for a second, that the decision may not be the right one.

i think it was good that i was thinking of our choice to marry in light of eternity. i think that all people dating and about to be married should think of their commitment like that. of course, fewer people may take the leap of faith, but would that be such a bad thing? we'd likely have fewer divorces, infidelity, heartbreak. or... maybe we wouldn't.

for me, taking the time to think of these things really brought me to a point where i was able to rest my head and future on God's shoulders. i believe that His Word is infallible and if that is true then i can rest in that i knew God had created me to be the mister's helpmeet. He had created me to leave my mother and join the mister in all things for the rest of our lives. He had answered my prayers in keeping the mister safe and free from harm and in God's Love until we met. and meet we did.

at starbucks.

what a story. both of us not looking for each other. but that is how it is, too, isn't it? me, his treasure and him, whom my soul loves who i won't let go. answers to prayers.

and now, almost two years into it i couldn't imagine having made any other decision. and if i had, what joy would i have never lived in? what would i have never learned about another human being? or myself? or my children? or God? because, let's be honest... there is nothing else in this world that becomes one like a husband and wife besides God Himself. there is nothing like understanding God through the duality of me and my mister. and i think that God laughs every time i forget it.

and now... on love. God's love. while driving home from work tonight, on three separate radio stations, brandon heath's song, "Your Love" was playing... it was surreal to say the least:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Vbg2dpX-EY
(copy and paste because i'm not sure how to embed or hyperlink)

and then... i changed the station a fourth time:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knG4FULN5Ug
(copy and paste)

and now that i'm home, and finished writing, i will go kiss my husband... thankful for the life that we share, for the mornings that he kisses my feet and hands and face before he leaves for work, for the children that we love, for the coffee we've made and spilled and ground and thrown away, for the messes that we make and clean up, for the laundry that we do for each other, for the diapers and the dust, the fingernail clippings, and the hair in the bathroom, for the toothpaste we agree upon, for the trees that together we grow to love, for the goals and aspirations, for the disappointments and acceptance of changed plans, for the moments that i can see him from his friends' eyes, for the phone calls that he endures, for the kitchen towels that never find their way back to the oven rack, for the patience, encouragement, and the love. oh, that eternal, eternal love.

on forgetting my password...

if i forget my password every time i log into blog, then it is obviously too long between posts.

i'm feeling very creative lately. i just want to move in this creative flow but find that i can't. why not, you ask? i think that it is because i have too much stuff (too much physical stuff as well as too much stuff to do). therefore, in this creative flow i'm also feeling this urge to purge. i've heard repeatedly that people only wear 20% of their clothes 80% of the time. i know that has to be true. i find myself always keeping clothes and things "just in case". and then, undoubtedly, that "case" never comes around. also, with clothing, i love to wear lots of it and layer it so that means i need more of it. but in reality, i wear the same things over and over because i like them. and let's face it, it isn't that easy to find clothes that you look good in, feel comfortable in, and can either be pregnant or nursing in!

we've gone to quite a few events already this year where so many of my dresses have been eliminated from the permutations due to the inability to nurse! and it being summer thus removes so many of my many skirts. in fact, tonight while getting ready for a wedding i found a skirt in my closet on one of those hangers that holds four skirts/trousers/pants/shorts/etc. it was from express and is a size 1/2. it used to fit around my hips (in high school), but now fits only around my waist. why do i still have it if i haven't worn it in years?

i think that i'm going to trust god and really just let a lot (and boy do i mean a lot) of stuff go. i hold on to class notes and handouts and maps when i can find them all online if i were in need of resources when teaching.

i don't want to use all of this stuff to miss out on opportunities to live my life with my husband and my kids. i don't want to be martha busying myself with things around my house missing out on sitting at the feet of jesus.

on thinking at work...

there are a lot of times when i'm at work having brilliant conversations in my head or with customers. every time this happens i think about how i need to go home and write about it--whatever it may be. but i don't. and not for any particular reason. it is just how it is.

oh, and i forgot my password.

password changed. access reinstated. so here i am.

with nothing in particular to write about.

perhaps i'll write every day for the month of may? but i doubt that.

i used to have a professor that would encourage a "personal improvement project", or pip, at the start of every semester. it was so highly encouraged that it was part of our grade. of course the completion wasn't necessary as long as we were able to adequately reflect on our effort or lack thereof. i should do this more often.

that being said, i suppose that the pip for the month of april (which flew by so under the radar that i missed my best friend's birthday and didn't even change my calendar) would have been reading the Holy Bible. i bought an esv bible sometime in 2010 and i started the daily reading plan that was in the back of the bible in january. they say that it takes 21 days to create a habit. well, i read for 20 days and then stopped. i picked it back up about thirty-two days ago and i'm pretty stoked about my progress and commitment.

also, in the month of april i started reading and praying through "the power of a praying wife" consistently. i really enjoy the same "power of" book for parents... i can attest to the works of God through prayer that i learned through that book and i can't wait to see God move in my marriage.

so... i just need to keep up with that stuff through the month of may.

i thought about doing the hot yoga challenge--thirty days of yoga. i just don't know if i can make that commitment, yet. they don't have the schedule online for may so i can't even pretend to see how it aligns with my schedule. more to come, i suppose.

the baby is having problems with his skin. because he isn't really eating anything except the occasional peas and pears we're assuming that it is something i'm consuming. which means that i'm going to have to take it out of my diet. i'm not quite ready for the elimination diet; i, after all, like to eat. however, i don't like seeing my baby bothered in any way, especially to the point i've seen lately.

beginning tomorrow i'm starting a food diary and taking daily pictures. i'll get a few days into this before i make any further changes. more to come on that, as well.

ah... more to come, more to come. but for now, i rest.

on being a mother of a kindergartner...

i thought something about writing tonight, even though it is after one in the morning, and i should go to bed. i don't necessarily know what i should write about, but i'm just going to let it go... flow...

biscuit starts kindergarten tomorrow. that is a funny story. last year she also started kindergarten at a prestigious private school. we were awarded a scholarship, bought the uniforms, and were ready to go. she was academically set to start. she was already wanting to write everything that she could and was more than ready to begin a year in school. however, we had just started a new family, moved out of a house with grandma (something she'd known her whole life) into a less inviting home, and so much more! there were just too many transitions at one time. and she was only four, and yet, not the youngest in the class. nonetheless, we decided that then was not the time.

even before last year i have been constantly praying for wisdom and discernment regarding choices to be made for the family, especially for biscuit. i've given thanks for God's power to move in our lives, almost unseen, to bring the right people in, take the wrong out, and transform others still to be followers of Christ, whether with our help or not. i've given thanks for His involvement in preparing places for biscuit... in church, in school, in life, in general. and i have seen His work over and over again. His blessing and favor on her life!

so when it came to decide what we were doing this year, why was i so discouraged? i would love to homeschool. but i know i'd lose my patience with her, and she with me. i know of what she is capable, i don't baby her if she acts up or goofs around. she doesn't like that. i want her to be serious because i know that she can be and because i know what she can do if she is serious... others don't. and yet, others seem to get more out of her by allowing her to be a child, first and foremost.

i also know her need to be social. we don't live in a neighborhood where there are kids. she doesn't see other children unless we're at church or she's at grandma's. and to be quite honest, i'm not a huge fan of any of them. and i know that i'm not going to be a fan of the kids in her class, either. because, while i love children, i really don't like how they are taught to behave (knowing full well, that i don't raise an angel). i just don't want her to not be social and thus wind up disliking and finding so much fault in people, like i do. this is something i want to remedy in myself as well. become less of a hermit (which will only happen if we're not homeschoolers, at least for this year).

so, homeschooling option gone, said presitigious private school back in the running. only this year, we're on the waiting list. still. so, we opted for public school. and that is where we stand. i will drive her to school in the early afternoon and see her begin a new chapter in her life.

i need to trust that God has answered prayers and that He will continue to give me peace surrounding this decision. and while she may be the only child reading in her kindergarten class, there are still plenty of things she'll learn and from which she'll benefit. i need to trust that this is the place that God has prepared, and that the leaders there are ones that He has put in place for a reason (one not necessarily for my daughter, or my will, but His). i need to trust that there is a purpose in all He does, including His use of me, biscuit, and the rest of the family.

i need to trust the peace that God has given me. to not doubt it, question it, or test it. but to know that it may only be for a season, and that it may not. to be confident in who He made her to be, and confident in what He gave to me in order to prepare her. she will do well, she will more than succeed, excel, or thrive! for He is good... all the time!

on the problems associated with naming babies...

when i was pregnant with biscuit i was in denial, read previous post. i thought that being pregnant was a very slight possibility (in fact, i told the doctor that it was a 2% chance... i never was really good with math) but it wasn't anything that i wanted to verify in order to meet, face to face, a consequence of an action... a simple, one time, thirty second action.

at any rate, one morning i awoke in my mom's bed, as i had taken to sleeping with her again. she was at work and the sun made its way into bed with me, warming me and waking me. and as my eyes opened my first thoughts were of what would become my daughter's name... eva siobhan... eva, pronounced ay-vah, which in hebrew means "mother/giver of life", or simply, "life" (as opposed to ava, which in latin means "bird"... big difference, and yet, still uplifting) siobhan, pronounced shih-VON, a celtic word for "god is gracious".

i thought... well, if i am pregnant, and it is to be a girl... that will be her name.

yet, it didn't prompt me to quickly test my hypothesis. no, i waited a bit longer... until i thought that something more serious was wrong with me.

thankfully, i didn't have to discuss the name. i was in it wholeheartedly and wasn't about to share that responsibility with someone who wasn't. however, i made every effort to be inclusive of said someone. i even went to see him. i remember one particular time i had on a maroon shirt, definitely not maternity, lined with pink piping. it was beautiful and flattering, especially on a pregnant belly. i had on a mid-calf-length corduroy khaki skirt, with scalloped edges, and beneath that, pink tights to match the piping on the shirt (what fashion does to memory, or memory to fashion).

i sat on a bench in the vestibule of the place where he works... where i quit months before with the notion that, prior to concluding positive pregnancy, the stress was making me physically ill. (try explaining a disappearance like that to someone who doesn't speak your language. what is left but to assume that it was done on purpose, malicious avoidance?) back on the bench i notice a tattoo on the outside of one of his arms. black letters. i wouldn't have ever noticed it before, we didn't know each other that well. i asked what it was. his response, in broken english: his mother's initials, m for maria, e for eva (at which point, light shot from my finger tips, i could feel it), and r for her newly married last name, not the same as his.

i knew then that my baby, that biscuit, was my baby girl. and that she had already been given a name, not by me, that would represent who she was, is, and will be. it would include where she came from and what joy there is in why she was made. for she was the giver of life for me. she opened doors, and still does, to the ways in which God is ever so gracious, ever so merciful, loving, kind, and giving.

so, when she was born, there were no questions, that was just who she was. praise god.

and now, with this little one... i've had nothing similar in visionary naming. no dreams, no voices, no light... no glimpse as to the gender. nothing stands out... and, to top it off, i have to actually concur with someone this time. it isn't my way or nothing at all. and, truth be told, it should be the mister's way, regardless of whether or not i agree. however, i take into account meanings, and connotations, and then there is nothing left to see eye to eye on, except that we'll know when we know... even if it means that the baby will be five days old.

on it being time there was a new post

the other day a woman with whom i used to work stopped into my current place of employment. she commented on how she heard i was married to a boy with whom she went to high school, which is true. and she went on and on about how perfect we are for each other, and how wonderful we are, etc. she isn't the only one who has said that to me in recent months.

i worked with a lot of girls that went to school with the mister. as it turns out, the mister and i have no recollection of having met each other, nor do we have any understanding of how closely our paths may or may not have crossed in the last quarter of a century. but we know that when they did just a few short years ago, the timing was right according to him, to me, and to God.

however, sometimes i wonder, what makes those girls say that we're perfect for one another?

when they knew me, i didn't know Christ. i didn't even really know myself as a result. i was lost and in search of so much more than i ever knew possible. i searched for it in drugs, sex, lies, music, false friendships, etc.
what about that could make them think i was perfect for anyone? especially my husband, who, as far as i know, was into sports (something i could care less about then, and only do now because i love him), cars (biscuit knows more about them than i do... even at 18 stories), church and God (remember, i was lost... i believed in God, in fact, talked to Him regularly... mainly about my misunderstanding of Jesus, oddly enough), the military (firm stances against this one), oh... and a very serious girlfriend (something that likely would not have stopped me at the time for i was so utterly lost).

at what point did i shift?

it was when i became pregnant. i was very intuitive at the time, meditating often... listening to a higher power, inevitably God, but i didn't quite grasp that then. so much was spoken to me about life and being a steward and what it was going to take to do both of them right. obviously, it wasn't something that i wanted to hear, but it was something that ate away at me until it planted itself. thank you for your prayers in these areas because they ultimately changed my life.

it wasn't until after i had biscuit that i began going back to church... first here, then there, then finally where i go now, where we go... as a family. it was like being around people who still believed that God is alive, moving, doing work... as if... get this, He never died!! it was here that i encountered Christ... actually stood in the presence of His Holy Spirit and was forever changed. it was here that i fell to my knees in tears, knowing that i would never be the same.

so... my locks went (symbolism of so much), marijuana went (with much reluctance) literally out the window at times until finally it was gone for good. sex was easier to get rid of because of my stance on not bringing anyone around biscuit. dating soon followed because i knew that i didn't want to waste my time in a relationship that wasn't being built to last--eternally. friends were gone, too... because, without sounding pious, i knew that i couldn't be unequally yoked as i rebuilt my life spiritually, emotionally, and physically around Christ.

there was a lot of prayer in accepting God's will in determining who would stay and who would go. not to mention who would appear out of nowhere and stick around through it all.

so, while i think that we are perfect for one another now, the mister and i... i wonder if our "true love" would have been evident six or seven years ago. or if i would have been too "intuitive" to catch on... or if either of us would have been too involved to notice. or if, perhaps, i just needed more time to grow up, learn, and develop in life, in general, but more importantly, in Christ, to be the woman from Proverbs 31 that the mister and i read about together after work one night. i was so embarrassed because i knew then what i didn't want to hear from God... that this was Him speaking directly to me in regards to my future. that there i was to be that woman of God for my family, including that man in front of me.

had you told me that when those girls knew me years ago, i would have never agreed. i would have never listened. i would have never married this man that i love without end today. and i most certainly would have not blamed him for not having chosen me then, either. but i thank God for the ways our lives went those many years ago, for the fact that we didn't meet then, for the things that happened in the meantime that made us ready for now.

flood

so many thoughts, emotions. don't chalk it up to pregnancy. i don't use that as an excuse, that is not why it is here. ask anyone around me, i'm like this normally. so, this is no different.

my mind wanders tonight. it wonders, too, but is mostly wandering. i got off work the exact time that i was scheduled to clock out, it was glorious... i chose to go home in order to write. also glorious. and when i got home... i had nothing to write.

so... i begin anyway.

i'm really trying hard to be positive again. i have found that the key to doing so is simply replacement. i replace my negative thoughts with affirmations, scripture, etc. it helps to keep me focused. i never ever used to be this way, but things get you going, you know? they really do.

and then... it is out of control the way your mind goes.

so, to catch you up on the way things go (speaking of going, right?)... biscuit had her first baseball game. her coach, the mister, couldn't have been more excited to sport the orange shirts and ball caps (his favorite color). and speaking of cap (and other three letter consonant, vowel, consonant words) biscuit is also reading now... quite fascinating. she discovered this ability on thursday. i witnessed her "aha" moment along with my mom and another woman with whom we play games at the library.

i spray painted the back of my car where it was damaged when it rolled down our driveway, against the house, and rested upon a tree (think Big Fish, but not that high). the mister complimented me on this endeavor. this was huge because... well, he technically (no pun intended) has a degree in such a thing... and i splurged for the $2.97 spray paint can!

i'm really missing cameras. mine especially. i'm not a fan, in the least, of my husbands. so pictures are rarely, if ever, updated. this makes me a little sad as i sort of became a bit of a photo-documentor-slash-journalist-if-you-will for a while...

i realize that this isn't the most creative or eloquent of posts... but... at least i'm writing something (when i should be sleeping).

this weekend we head back to what is home for me, birthplace, at least. but it is where the extended family resides. we have so many things planned, mainly people to see, but i'm more excited about it than i have been about anything of late... there will be a family photo of the five great grandbabies (as of now), indulging at the spaghetti factory with my favorite little men and their wonderful momma, a trip to the country's best children's museum (although we are no experts), a visit with biscuit's great-great-great aunt (my great-grandma's sister), an 80th birthday party for grandpa, an appearance at the homes of both of my grandma's, as well as, perhaps... homage to my late and great grandpa for his birthday (mom and i went to bob evan's today to have a "half order of biscuits and gravy" just like he always got... only, i had to get the gravy without sausage and i don't think that they offered a half order), not to mention a rather important parade and race!

i'd promise pictures but we know that won't happen (unless you really really want to see pictures, in which case you'll surprise me with a device to produce such anomalies!).

good night