flood

so many thoughts, emotions. don't chalk it up to pregnancy. i don't use that as an excuse, that is not why it is here. ask anyone around me, i'm like this normally. so, this is no different.

my mind wanders tonight. it wonders, too, but is mostly wandering. i got off work the exact time that i was scheduled to clock out, it was glorious... i chose to go home in order to write. also glorious. and when i got home... i had nothing to write.

so... i begin anyway.

i'm really trying hard to be positive again. i have found that the key to doing so is simply replacement. i replace my negative thoughts with affirmations, scripture, etc. it helps to keep me focused. i never ever used to be this way, but things get you going, you know? they really do.

and then... it is out of control the way your mind goes.

so, to catch you up on the way things go (speaking of going, right?)... biscuit had her first baseball game. her coach, the mister, couldn't have been more excited to sport the orange shirts and ball caps (his favorite color). and speaking of cap (and other three letter consonant, vowel, consonant words) biscuit is also reading now... quite fascinating. she discovered this ability on thursday. i witnessed her "aha" moment along with my mom and another woman with whom we play games at the library.

i spray painted the back of my car where it was damaged when it rolled down our driveway, against the house, and rested upon a tree (think Big Fish, but not that high). the mister complimented me on this endeavor. this was huge because... well, he technically (no pun intended) has a degree in such a thing... and i splurged for the $2.97 spray paint can!

i'm really missing cameras. mine especially. i'm not a fan, in the least, of my husbands. so pictures are rarely, if ever, updated. this makes me a little sad as i sort of became a bit of a photo-documentor-slash-journalist-if-you-will for a while...

i realize that this isn't the most creative or eloquent of posts... but... at least i'm writing something (when i should be sleeping).

this weekend we head back to what is home for me, birthplace, at least. but it is where the extended family resides. we have so many things planned, mainly people to see, but i'm more excited about it than i have been about anything of late... there will be a family photo of the five great grandbabies (as of now), indulging at the spaghetti factory with my favorite little men and their wonderful momma, a trip to the country's best children's museum (although we are no experts), a visit with biscuit's great-great-great aunt (my great-grandma's sister), an 80th birthday party for grandpa, an appearance at the homes of both of my grandma's, as well as, perhaps... homage to my late and great grandpa for his birthday (mom and i went to bob evan's today to have a "half order of biscuits and gravy" just like he always got... only, i had to get the gravy without sausage and i don't think that they offered a half order), not to mention a rather important parade and race!

i'd promise pictures but we know that won't happen (unless you really really want to see pictures, in which case you'll surprise me with a device to produce such anomalies!).

good night

on staying up way past my bed time

i don't really like to be in our house by myself, especially with the advance of the serpent kingdom. we haven't seen another one in the house, which isn't to say that they don't exist. i'm just incredibly thankful they're only garter snakes (even though i still can't even stand them).

at any rate, the mister sure has quite the friends! one friend from the military woke up yesterday morning and began his drive from New York City at 6:30am to Maryland to pick up second friend from military. Along the way they had to leave their car and rent a different one for fear of the original breaking down, not to mention a speeding ticket as well! They arrived at our house well past eleven o'clock. it could have been midnight but i was asleep... until they began talking. they weren't loud, in fact, they were being very respectful of biscuit and i sleeping soundly. nonetheless, i laid in bed thinking about how they would journey back home in a little over 24 hours.

they aren't the first friends to have done that for my husband. another friend flew from alaska, rented a car in chicago and drove in for, again, a little over 24 hours.

he is a special man, to this i can attest. but let it be proven by these other men's actions towards him. there is more to this gentleman that i married. he is so much more. and every day that we spend together, even when things get busy and hectic with work and school and child (soon to be children), i know this more deeply. he is more than a gift, a blessing... he is hand-picked by God for me, for our family, for these friends of his, for strangers.

as i lay in bed last night thinking all of these things, i also pondered my friends. those friends that i can never get a hold of, those friends that attempt to call me, too, to no avail. i think of us and if we lived far from one another... would we make a long trek for such a short time? we don't even do it now but it is funny what distance does to the heart, right?

let this not lead you into thinking that i don't have the most splendid of friends. i do. they were also hand-picked by God. we're just different than these gentlemen that i only met today. but whose stories i've heard over and over. they are part of what makes my husband so wonderful, so perfect for me and for them.

praise God for the people in your life that can shape you and chage you and transform you--God through them, whether they know it or not. praise God for making you that person for so many others--whether you know it or now. allow yourself to be a vessel for the Holy Spirit. go as you preach, not preach as you go. fill yourself to overflowing, pour it out into others. embrace God's work in your life--whether you know it or not.

more indeed

i believe that my daughter is quite possibly the most wonderful thing to exist. i realize that every mother thinks that of their own daughter. but i also realize that few mothers have actual factual evidence by which their claim can be supported. i, however, do.

this daughter of mine has taught me lessons in so many areas of my life. first, her persistence, which to the outsider may offend, is what drives her and propels her to a new level of doing things and of thinking. if there is something that she doesn't know, or something that she can't do she will work at it until it is finished and she excels! eg. whistling, snapping her fingers, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, reading, writing, spelling, counting, simple mathematics, the names of dinosaurs, sign language, writing scripture on her heart... and so so many more! she is fantastic.

also, she has taught me an entirely new approach to the age-old dilemma surrounding nature vs. nurture. here, biscuit is entirely gifted in so many areas, but had it not been for the mister, i would have never thought to approach so many areas. eg. our daughter is highly skilled at baseball. this is a sport that wouldn't have entered my thought process in any way shape or form. it was the mister's idea to give it a shot... and voila... we now have the "queen of diamonds", with her own diamond mowed into our front lawn (why i love them like i do!)!

...a talent that would have likely gone undiscovered had it not been for the mister's urging. a talent she must have had from nature (God-gifted) that if not nurtured would not have thrived.

what else lies ahead for her? for the new baby? for the mister and me?

there seems to be so much more to say. i just want to keep on writing. my body is tired from working today but my mind continues running its marathon. the mister sleeps on the couch awaiting my entrance into our bedroom, an act he will most willing follow. and yet... my fingers tip tap tap away. i wonder to what that translates in his dreams? you know... when the phone ringing in your dream is really your alarm clock?

do we have things like that in life? when there are elements to the daily routine that we mistake or misinterpret? i'm sure. i would like to be more open to the "real" things... more sensitive to what is genuine, all the while recognizing that it is not always tangible.

embrace that with me, will you?

on nothing more than this

when i first started working at starbucks i collected my favorite sounds. i would go around the place testing material against material in hopes of another glorious resonance. of my favorites were the chargers sliding into place in preparation for whipping; after pouring a cup of coffee, and letting go of the spout... that cling; the pressure of steam coming out of the wand. if there are many more, i don't remember them. there is a cloud of cynicism and boredom that sit over that part of my memory. i've challenged myself, however, to search for those notes and tones again. those little things that made life so much more interesting having heard them.

i've challenged myself to look more at people and things as i should. as Christ did. does. pray for them prior to passing judgement. what knowledge of good and evil do i think that i posess over anyone else? we all ate from that tree. few of us are free.

i was able to dance the early morning stars into their places on sunday morning. what a wonderful feeling that escapes me so often because of time and exhaustion from the day to day. dancing, i invite you back in. Holy Spirit, i welcome you to move in me to move me... in any way.

... wait, there's more!

New day

i feel much better than i did the other day. however, still feeling slightly slighted, if you'll excuse the redundancy.

church was amazing on sunday. i haven't cried in the presence of the Holy Spirit in a while--it was well worth the wait. Seeing God move among so many people is amazing and... well, moving. We have already been blessed in so many ways but one stands out in particular as pure consequence of obedience. wondrous.

biscuit and i get to hang out with a baby from our homebirth group while mamasan bakes. it is going to be so much fun. we can't wait! well, biscuit doesn't know because that would result in "how many days until..." "how long until...".

we are still in desperate search for old bookshelves... books strewn everywhere in our house. what a mess. but what a happy one, eh?

blessing to all for such a great and beautiful day.

blank slate

so thrilling and so stupefying.

i have millions of emotions flowing through me at this moment. i'm sad, and angry, energized, and exhausted. is it from this that the creative juices flow? i hope. i miss that part of me.

i miss my little brother, too. and my best friend. it seems that once you get married you join a new club, where your friends are other wives and mothers, only... your stories are so dissimilar that a true friendship never really blossoms. oh, there are one or two that prove to be there whatever the weather. but even they need encouragement... unfortunately, at times when you're barely pulling yourself up by your boot straps, for God-knows-whatever-reason.

and in this new club, you're not offered advice on what to stock your pantries with and what to cook for dinner. you're not invited to dinner. and the saddest thing of all: you're not invited to parties anymore either. married people with children don't make out... they certainly don't party.

and so you find yourself missing your old friends. the ones that stayed up late with you stuffing cole slaw and crackers in your mouth while singing with louis at the anchor. you wonder, what happened to her, where is she now. the ones who helped you move in a night, in the dark, and in absolute silence, or was it more like running away? or stealing? the ones who wrote, talked, played, collaborated, and read with you.

does not work well with others.

there are so many stories to tell, so many talents in so many outlets. why the block? praying for encouragement, fresh ideas, peace of mind, forgiveness (of others), selflessness, simplicity, unquestionnable faith to move forward without stopping, without looking back.

this isn't about that summer in the rear view mirror anymore, you ripped the mirror off. it is about going slowly. you'll never repeat this moment again. it is about letting go and not giving in. it is most importantly, not about me.