more indeed

i believe that my daughter is quite possibly the most wonderful thing to exist. i realize that every mother thinks that of their own daughter. but i also realize that few mothers have actual factual evidence by which their claim can be supported. i, however, do.

this daughter of mine has taught me lessons in so many areas of my life. first, her persistence, which to the outsider may offend, is what drives her and propels her to a new level of doing things and of thinking. if there is something that she doesn't know, or something that she can't do she will work at it until it is finished and she excels! eg. whistling, snapping her fingers, baseball, soccer, gymnastics, dance, reading, writing, spelling, counting, simple mathematics, the names of dinosaurs, sign language, writing scripture on her heart... and so so many more! she is fantastic.

also, she has taught me an entirely new approach to the age-old dilemma surrounding nature vs. nurture. here, biscuit is entirely gifted in so many areas, but had it not been for the mister, i would have never thought to approach so many areas. eg. our daughter is highly skilled at baseball. this is a sport that wouldn't have entered my thought process in any way shape or form. it was the mister's idea to give it a shot... and voila... we now have the "queen of diamonds", with her own diamond mowed into our front lawn (why i love them like i do!)!

...a talent that would have likely gone undiscovered had it not been for the mister's urging. a talent she must have had from nature (God-gifted) that if not nurtured would not have thrived.

what else lies ahead for her? for the new baby? for the mister and me?

there seems to be so much more to say. i just want to keep on writing. my body is tired from working today but my mind continues running its marathon. the mister sleeps on the couch awaiting my entrance into our bedroom, an act he will most willing follow. and yet... my fingers tip tap tap away. i wonder to what that translates in his dreams? you know... when the phone ringing in your dream is really your alarm clock?

do we have things like that in life? when there are elements to the daily routine that we mistake or misinterpret? i'm sure. i would like to be more open to the "real" things... more sensitive to what is genuine, all the while recognizing that it is not always tangible.

embrace that with me, will you?

on nothing more than this

when i first started working at starbucks i collected my favorite sounds. i would go around the place testing material against material in hopes of another glorious resonance. of my favorites were the chargers sliding into place in preparation for whipping; after pouring a cup of coffee, and letting go of the spout... that cling; the pressure of steam coming out of the wand. if there are many more, i don't remember them. there is a cloud of cynicism and boredom that sit over that part of my memory. i've challenged myself, however, to search for those notes and tones again. those little things that made life so much more interesting having heard them.

i've challenged myself to look more at people and things as i should. as Christ did. does. pray for them prior to passing judgement. what knowledge of good and evil do i think that i posess over anyone else? we all ate from that tree. few of us are free.

i was able to dance the early morning stars into their places on sunday morning. what a wonderful feeling that escapes me so often because of time and exhaustion from the day to day. dancing, i invite you back in. Holy Spirit, i welcome you to move in me to move me... in any way.

... wait, there's more!

New day

i feel much better than i did the other day. however, still feeling slightly slighted, if you'll excuse the redundancy.

church was amazing on sunday. i haven't cried in the presence of the Holy Spirit in a while--it was well worth the wait. Seeing God move among so many people is amazing and... well, moving. We have already been blessed in so many ways but one stands out in particular as pure consequence of obedience. wondrous.

biscuit and i get to hang out with a baby from our homebirth group while mamasan bakes. it is going to be so much fun. we can't wait! well, biscuit doesn't know because that would result in "how many days until..." "how long until...".

we are still in desperate search for old bookshelves... books strewn everywhere in our house. what a mess. but what a happy one, eh?

blessing to all for such a great and beautiful day.

blank slate

so thrilling and so stupefying.

i have millions of emotions flowing through me at this moment. i'm sad, and angry, energized, and exhausted. is it from this that the creative juices flow? i hope. i miss that part of me.

i miss my little brother, too. and my best friend. it seems that once you get married you join a new club, where your friends are other wives and mothers, only... your stories are so dissimilar that a true friendship never really blossoms. oh, there are one or two that prove to be there whatever the weather. but even they need encouragement... unfortunately, at times when you're barely pulling yourself up by your boot straps, for God-knows-whatever-reason.

and in this new club, you're not offered advice on what to stock your pantries with and what to cook for dinner. you're not invited to dinner. and the saddest thing of all: you're not invited to parties anymore either. married people with children don't make out... they certainly don't party.

and so you find yourself missing your old friends. the ones that stayed up late with you stuffing cole slaw and crackers in your mouth while singing with louis at the anchor. you wonder, what happened to her, where is she now. the ones who helped you move in a night, in the dark, and in absolute silence, or was it more like running away? or stealing? the ones who wrote, talked, played, collaborated, and read with you.

does not work well with others.

there are so many stories to tell, so many talents in so many outlets. why the block? praying for encouragement, fresh ideas, peace of mind, forgiveness (of others), selflessness, simplicity, unquestionnable faith to move forward without stopping, without looking back.

this isn't about that summer in the rear view mirror anymore, you ripped the mirror off. it is about going slowly. you'll never repeat this moment again. it is about letting go and not giving in. it is most importantly, not about me.